jan 31

Today is January 31st, maybe I should talk about mental health, but I don’t like talking about it, I’m not as brave as other people are. It’s too personal and too private. Also, I don’t think I could capture my feelings into words…I don’t know…

There are days like today when I’m in bed far too long, staring outside at the snow and wind, not wanting to get up and face the world. Days like today aren’t bad, honestly, I just feel lifeless, maybe lazy, there’s a constant pounding in my head like there’s someone trapped inside and they can’t escape

Then there are days when my mind is trapped in a downward spiral. I can take anything and see the negative, I question everything, I think I’d be happier if I were home on the west coast with my family, but then I doubt that too, I could be happier here if I tried, if I adopted a different mindset- the problem is me, isn’t it? And then I cant leave my room because I’m crying so much but I’m not entirely sure why I’m crying. Homesickness? Loneliness? School? Feeling like I’ve accomplished so little? Countless nights when I can’t sleep, countless nights when I cry myself to sleep, there are days like this

And the worst days are unspeakable, I just think how nothingness would be preferable to this fucking misery, how death comes easy and living is difficult, and thoughts like that scare myself because I don’t care about myself at all but I care about my family and I would never hurt them like that ever, I’m not sure if I rather they die first or I die first cause I don’t want them to die before me, but I don’t want them to be sad when I die, so I suppose I’d rather die last? Which is why I need to keep going I guess

 

 

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pain

it’s easy to succumb to the pleasure of bad things

highs are easy

i love the world and it loves me back

and then the fucking low gets in your head and distorts everything

and things you love lose their light

and fingers can’t even type this shit up properly, takes a couple of tries

n all you can taste is salt and all you can see is

ghosts of bright lights and the bass in your chest

the world is relentless and full of

pain

 

 

 

 

the time keeper

“Try to imagine a life without timekeeping. You probably can’t.

You know the month, the year, the day of the week.

There is a clock on your wall or the dashboard of your car.

You have a schedule, a calendar, a time for dinner or a movie. Yet all around you, timekeeping is ignored.

Birds are not late. A dog does not check its watch. Deer do not fret over passing birthdays.

Man alone measures time. Man alone chimes the hour. And, because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures.

A fear of time running out.”

― Mitch Albom, The Time Keeper

Causes worth dying for

‘But there are causes worth dying for,’ said Butterfly.

‘No, there aren’t!  Because you’ve only got one life but you can pick up another five causes on any street corner!’

‘Good grief, how can you live with a philosophy like that?’

Rincewind took a deep breath. ‘Continuously!’

-Terry Pratchett, Interesting Times